Hari ini The "X’mas Eve"day. Suasana di Singapura jauh berbeda dengan suasana Natalan di Indonesia. Dari bulan November, Orchard Road sudah tampil cantik dengan malaikat, pohon Natal, bel, gemerlap lampu dan ornamen-ornamen Natal lainnya. Lagu-lagu Natal berkumandang di setiap sudut. Belum lagi ditambah dengan semarak “holiday discount” di mall-mall besar. Well, though there are discounts but the prices are still not “my pocket” friendly.
Beberapa hari ini gue menghabiskan waktu di kantor. Dua hari ini gue pulang lebih dari jam 9 malam. Gak ada persiapan buat Natal , bahkan untuk sekedar beli kado buat orang-orang terdekat. Btw, this is the first Christmas I’ve spent far away from home. Well, just want to add some cribs, latetly the world seems to be grey and blue. Ada saatnya gue ngerasa gak punya energi untuk melakukan apa-apa. Hollow. Bitter. And there was no way to escape. Just had to sit there in the office and slogged like crazy.
Well, the strange things is after being wretched for a week, yesterday I felt lifted up. Maybe because some people give chocolate to everybody in the office and somehow there was a cheerie feeling sliped in. Then when I left office I didn’t feel so depressed anymore.
Somebody said well… quite a number of people said that our happines lies in our own hands, if we decide to be happy then we will be, if we allow someone else to ruin our lives and give them a chance to make us feel sorry and sad… then it will happen. The practice is not simple at all though… It is not a good feeling to have a hole in your heart and a thousands of elephants in your stomach… And when you’re thinking that there is something broken that you just can not restore… it just… feel so bitter… Boy, sometimes I wonder am I the only spoiled person in this world, who always hoping to grab somebody’s hand to move on???
Then I am thinking, there are so many things in this world that are uncertain. And if I get worry about each of them, I will go crazy. I miss the times when I just trust that He already arranges the best for us. I miss the times when I have faith that He will never leave us. Like Fatma wrote in her poetry, “God didn’t bring me this far to leave me now.” When you’re feeling that you are in a big hole, it is hard to see that maybe the hole is shallow and you just can stand up and get out. Or maybe some people just love to wallow in their own misery.
Btw, I’ve learned that sometimes when you already try your best and things just won’t change, better give it up to Him. It may sound like running away from problems, but now… I think as a human who has limitation, we just can not carry all the world in our shoulder. But using His strength… we can continue our life… My mum is a great teacher for this. I wish I can be like her in dealing with live. My problems are nothing but I’ve lost in my jungle of despair.
Anyway, my big brother, Jimz, will come to Singapore today. Hoping my Christmas will be a merry one. And for you brothers and sisters, have a MERRY MERRY MERRY XMAS too.. hope the Xmas spirit will give us peace, joy, and happiness… Joy the world, the Lord is come!!!!
