Britgalhere World

Lampu temaram. Berlutut di samping kasur mungil, Angela merapatkan kedua tangannya. Dia tak pernah menutup mata jika berdoa, dia ingin melihat Tuhan di mana-mana… di lampu tidur, di dinding kamar, di langit hitam tanpa bintang di balik jendela, ataupun di gedung kondominium tua di seberang jalan…

Malam ini ia ingin berdoa, ngobrol lebih tepatnya. Namun tak satu kalimat pun terangkai, bahkan tak ada kata terucap. Hatinya macet dan berderik-derik ketika mencoba dibuka, seperti pintu tua yang engselnya telah berkarat. Akhirnya ia kembali pada satu doa yang paling sederhana…

Bapa kami yang ada di surga,
Dimuliakanlah nama-Mu,
Datanglah kerajaan-Mu,
Jadilah kehendak-Mu di atas bumi seperti di dalam surga…
Berilah kami rejeki pada hari ini,
Dan ampunilah kami,
Seperti kamipun mengampuni yang bersalah kepada kami…

Sebentuk wajah membayang. Mata yang bulat tajam memancarkan kecerdasan. Rambut yang hitam bergelombang. Sererentetan gigi putih yang tertata rapi.

Seperti kamipun mengampuni yang bersalah kepada kami…

Dia yang selalu membawa ceria suasana. Setiap orang merasa nyaman di dekatnya. Waktu melesat cepat ketika dia ada.

Seperti kamipun mengampuni yang bersalah kepada kami…

Uluran persahabatan dan seuntai kasih sayang. Akhirnya … satu labuhan ketika hati letih tak berteman… Akhirnya. Akhirnya?

Seperti kamipun mengampuni yang bersalah kepada kami…

Akhirnya…. "Aku orangnya Angela, bukan orang lain… aku orangnya. Maukah kamu memaafkan aku?"

Seperti kamipun…

Bingkai malam mencuri kemilau bintang… kelam… Begitu mudahnya kita menghitung kesalahan orang, kalau perlu dibungkus cantik, taruh di dalam lemari pajangan. Sedangkan buta… terhadap kelalaian diri yang tak ubahnya seperti udara yang kasat mata… Angela sadar itu namun derik pintu hati semakin menyayat telinga.

Angela tak menyelesaikan doanya malam itu. Ia hanya menatap langit dan membuat tanda salib. Beringsut masuk ke dalam selimut.

Ampunilah aku Tuhan… tapi bukan hari ini…

Kadang keegoisan manusia, luar biasa adanya.

…. then I realized, is not that he doesn’t want to get married, he does not want to get married to me..

-Meg Ryan/Sally, When Harry Met Sally-

Monica said to Chandler that she does not believe in ’soul-mate’, she believes that we need to work hard on our relationship… and sometimes very hard. Hehehe, it seems I have watch too much movies, huh?

In this age, when most of the people start to think to have familiy or even they already got married, or maybe already having kids… I am still questioning a basic question (or unnecessary?)… "Is it true that there is someone for every person? Do people have to struggle and find out or just let the destiny pick you up at the station? Is there anything like ‘love of my life?"

Recently, I were trying to find a suitable apartment to live in, since the existing one is having problems. It is irritating to find an apartment or a room. You have to search, contact people, have viewing, and sometimes (for me most of the time) end up with crappy places. I had fallen in love with one place, but I can’t get it because of a reason. The truth is: there is no such a perfect place! Every place has it own flaws. It is hard (at least for me) to get a place where you can ‘connect’ with, where you can feel that you are at home. Well, it also the matter of time, soon or later we can always adjust and then begin to feel ‘at home’…

The red thread with the marriage thing is… there is no such a perfect person… so how people know that he or she IS THE ONE? How can we know that we will not end up with ‘wrong’ person? A marriage is not like a research when you can do trial and error. It suppose to be only once in a lifetime. It is not like ‘let’s just try now’ and later get divorce. Then, how long we suppose to wait for the right one? Or we suppose to make it work anyhow it takes?

A friend tells me… don’t think too much…

Well, today I just wonder… =D